Peace

I have made my peace.

I forgive you.

Be happy.

LOG 1

Starting a relationship log because I finally decided to break my addiction of you.

You went to the office today but did not forget to remind me that you would not be there if you did not have to get something. I felt so rejected with that excuse. I said I wanted to drink rum cola so you proceeded to mix one for us. I have been noticing lately that you do not really drink...your excuse is that you want to think clearly while working.

I asked you to text me if I can come over after your basketball session with the boys. You said you would text but you did not. Probably because your ex was there and you really did not want me to join. It was disappointing although I kind of expected it..

Where was my chance?

You never gave me a chance.

All you think about about when you see me are excuses not to be with me.

Reasons...rationalizations.

Just need to face the harsh reality that you do not love me...not enough to fight for me.

Nothing has changed..

I don't deserve this treatment.

But I still hope.

And I hurt.

Hoping and hurting each day.

Longing.

Waiting.

When will I be free of you?

Longing.

Tonight I realized how much I love you.

And I wept.

I wanted to be with you so badly but I know you still need time to heal.

I don't ever want to be just a rebound girl.

I need to be your forever person.

So I cried and loved you in the silence of my mind and my heart.

I realized the lengths I would go to just to make you happy. Even if that means letting you go.

- Candz,July 22, 2017

What does it mean?

It was so unexpected...and so surprising...

But it was something I was longing for all this time.

You coming to me on your own...without me asking you too.

I will never forget that moment...when you said that you would be with me.

I waited with bated breath as you came closer....and closer.

Finally, you were kissing me...and touching me...and making me want more.

In the morning, without the drunken fervor we felt a few hours ago....we were one again.

What does it mean?

This time...you are not pulling away and I am filled with hope and wonder..

It means something to me..

Does it with you?

Pathetic.

It's almost 2:30am and I am eating chips and googling about how to let go of someone who doesn't love me.

I mean how pathetic is that?

Isn't it easy to forget someone who doesn't love me that way?

Am I so unloveable?

So depressed.

And so very lonely.

I QUIT YOU.

It's the start of June and I have decided to start quitting you.

I just wish I knew how to just magically quit you to lessen the pain and longing.

I have given up on trying to win you with my friendship.

It finally sunk in that I was just being used as a source of comfort and distraction...that you will not one day finally really see me and discover that you have fallen in love with me and will do anything to be with me.

No matter how much fun we have or how close we become or how many deep dark secrets we share with each other....you will always end up choosing one of them. I will just be the "forever" person (a.k.a. friend) who you love (as a friend...always just as a friend).

I seriously do not know how I have lasted this long pining over you...knowing that you are in love with two other girls. Is it because we have been together in one office for 3 years even though 2 years of those were spent not talking to each other?

Maybe my subconscious has been so used to being beside you all these years that it became deeply attached to you...even before we became close.

I longed for you for so long but it has to end.

You are just my friend...my officemate...my platonic "person".

My drinking buddy..my yosi buddy..

In all honesty, it really hurts to write all of this...knowing deep down that it is the truth...knowing I cannot do anything to change the situation or your feelings for me.

I just hope I can get over you eventually (sooner I hope) so I can move on with my life.

So today, I quit you.

Today, I quit the hope of us...the potential of forever...the maybes of two persons falling in love after years spent as strangers.

Today...I quit on loving you.

Should I give up?

"Chasing Pavements"

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love

But if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus:]
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it
[Chorus:]
Or should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements?
Should I just keep on chasin' pavements?
Ohh oh

[Chorus:]
should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Either...Or

After each tick of the clock...

After every sunrise...and sunset.

After each rise and fall of the tides..

I will eventually....painstakingly fall out of love with you.

Or

You will finally fall in love with me.

What will be first?

When will it happen?

This too shall pass, right?

I am in agony.

But I miss you..

Stop please..

I can't take it anymore.

I need to stop.

I can't pretend any longer.

I need to walk away.

It's not my story...no matter how badly I want to be in it...

No matter how badly I want to be part of your life...not just your person...but the person you love.

How can that be when you are still stuck on her?

Still aching to give her a chance even though she hurt you countless times?

This is a dead-end.

When will I be able to move on from this?

I need to really...finally let go.

Note to Self

DO. NOT. ASK. QUESTIONS. THAT. WILL. HURT. ME.

Why do I ask questions when I know the answers will just hurt me?

STOP.

PLEASE STOP.

I'M DONE.

I'm done.

I surrender.

Hearing "I love you as a friend" over and over is taking a toll on my heart.

Fine. You cannot love me as much as you love her even if I try so hard for you to see me...notice me.

I know you need to heal...but I need to heal too..from having my heart broken by you.

Excuses are just excuses. You are just not willing to fight for me.

You are not choosing me....maybe you never will.

So I am done...not done hoping....I can never fight hope.

But done anticipating what might or could have been.

It's painful but it must be done.

Someday I will finally move on and just see you as a friend...or someday you will change your mind.

I'm tired of fighting to hold on...anxious to fight to let go.

So I am done for now.

Let the universe do its work...

DAY 2

It has been 2 days since I last heard from you. I know you probably saw my letter by now and decided not to respond or even see how I have been.

What happened to you?

You have turned into this cold, distant and self-centered person once again.

Adulting is so boring...and so painful.

I wish I could just turn off my feelings for you.

I'm done.

You know nothing, Kiko..

You have no idea that I was looking for closure last night...

That I got the closure I was dreading because of your actions and your words.

I cannot understand why you are still choosing her...and why I still am not an option.

Why are you so blind?

Can't you see I'm the one in the middle? I'm the best of both worlds.

You know nothing of what I feel about you...all you know is I am conflicted like you.

You think I am with you because of what I tell you my problems are?

Don't you see that I choose to be with you because I like being with you? Even though it means constantly being rejected by you?

You do not know that I cry...and I lie...just to be with you?

I go out of my comfort zone so I can spend time with you.

Drink with you...smoke with you...go on food trips with you...

Last night was the night I finally accepted that you can never be mine...that your feelings for me will not change.

I am grateful for the distance we now have even though it will only last for a few days. It will give me the courage...and the strength...to finally let go of you...to stop holding on to romantic thoughts of a future with you.

You are too weak for me...when I am weak because of you.

I am hurting....when you are hurting because of someone else.

You know nothing, Kiko. Someday I hope you will see.

For now I will walk away....because you do not give me a reason to stay.

About Acceptance

Trying to accept what I have been in denial about for so long makes me so depressed that I cannot get out of bed during the day.

Trying to accept that you do not see me as anything more keeps me up at night and makes me cry myself to sleep.

Trying to accept that you are not willing to fight for what we could have been makes me so lonely and alone.

What have I done to my life?

Why am I destroying it for you?

Why make the effort when you only see me as a close friend?

Do I even love you?

Or am I just challenged with the idea of you?

For almost three years, we have been together at work and I really thought we have finally "found" each other. That it was about time.

Why can't you forget her when you see me every day?

Am I not good enough for you? Too ugly?

Trying to accept that I have no control over things is so hard to do.

Especially since it ends with me not getting you.

IT'S TIME

It's time I open my eyes...time to accept what is real and what is not...

It's time I come to terms with how I feel about you and what you feel about me...

It's time I resign myself to the fact that I am not one of your choices..that I will never be an option.

It's time I shift my attention to what really matters...to what needs to be done.

It's time I forget about romantic notions of you and me together..

It's time to just be your person.

It's time to let you go.

OUT OF REACH

In my reach...I could see..

There's a life out there for me...

POST ONE-WEEK REHAB

For one week, I chose myself.

I was nobody else's mother...nobody else's wife...

Just one of three daughters who was excited to roam the streets of Singapore.

I spent time alone for one night in a hotel and was asleep by 9:30pm which never happens.

My social life became alive again.

My mind was clear...happy...at peace.

You messaged on DAY 1 saying have a safe trip which really took me by surprise. It was such a sweet message and I got the feeling that you would really miss me..

You sent a Viber text on DAY 2 saying you were so taken aback by the relief goods I sent which I think you really appreciated.

On DAY 4, I couldn't resist it any longer so I sent you a text...you were surprised and happy to hear from me but then you proceeded to tell me all about your crazy girl's most recent antics. That was a frustrating day since I just spent it at the hotel resting.

On DAY 5, you sent me a drunk Viber message saying you missed me because you were in a bar with an imaginary person watching our friend Papa Bong. It was a first time we chatted (since you replied promptly for a change even though you were already wasted)..and it made me feel good even though you said you were with crazy chick before.

On the last and 6th day, I received a Viber message from you wishing me a safe trip back and that Smirnoff bottles were waiting for me in the office. Were you waiting for me too? You admitted it when I finally came back...you were drunk (again) and hugged me tight before I left.

You came to my rescue on the 7th day...you were a shoulder to cry on...

We spent time together...we hugged...we kissed...we did things that we shouldn't have done but I realized how much you missed me. That even your friends missed me.

Why isn't it enough for me?

Why do I still feel that I want more?

Why are you not choosing me still?

We are just persons you say....FOR NOW.

You love me...as a friend...that's what you keep telling me.

I smile and laugh each time but it hurts me that you only feel that way towards me.

Maybe it's time I stay away. Maybe I should continue this rehab. Maybe it's time I finally let go of any hope that we will be more someday....that you will eventually realize that I am the right choice for you.

Because when I am with you...I still cannot reach you and I feel so alone.

Why can't you save me? Why can't you catch me?

I'm drowning and you have no idea that it's because of you.

REHAB DAY 1

For six straight days, we spent time together...

Not because you wanted to but because I made it happen.

We drank...we smoked..

We went to my happy place in UP..

We went to see your favorite band..

We met up with your friends (they were so welcoming and accommodating)...

We talked. A lot.

And now I feel so friend zoned. :(

It's not a place I really want to be in but it's your call, right?

Do we even have a chance now?

Why are you so caught up with these two girls that you cannot see what is in front of you?

Why are you so blind?

So now I am on Day 1 of rehab.

I need to choose myself again...

Seeing that you are not choosing me still..

- written April 23, 2017 in Singapore

Persons Once Again....

After a few weeks of distancing myself and moving on...of you just squeezing my arm or me putting my arm around your shoulder before leaving work....you suddenly started noticing me again.

Your smile became more open like before when you see me entering the office...as if you were glad to see me. While me, on the other hand, was dreading to go to work and deal with your indifference again.

I avoided you and you finally seemed to catch on with what was happening...or you were just so confused with the state of your lovelife...a life I walked away from seeing that I was the last option.

You suddenly asked how I was...and said that you missed me because you have no "person" anymore..

So for 3 days...I became your person. And you became mine. Once again...like time did not pass...as if it was just yesterday that we were pouring our hearts out to each other.

You kissed my forehead again...we hugged once...twice...I held your hand and kissed it much to your surprise...and we went to places that we had never been because I didn't care anymore...that we were "just friends."

You finally told me what was going on with your life. I finally was able to be JUST YOUR PERSON to you. I said what I thought because you asked for it...I told it as it is...without any bitterness...without any regrets. As if it did not hurt that I was not one of your choices.

I gave you pieces of myself that I never give just to anybody...I made you see what makes me shine...and what makes me dark and twisty.

Did you finally see the real me?

Or are you still confused between number 1 and number 2?

I could have said I told you so...I could have said you should have chosen me and avoided all this emotional, physical and mental damage. Now you need me to be your "safe harbor"....your "stress ball"..

Now we drink...smoke...flirt like we used to do without any over the top sex talk...without me being emotionally attached...and without you feeling guilty.

Because we are just persons, right?

You are my person and I am your person. Just how you liked it from the very beginning.

I want more...I have always wanted more.

But for now...this is enough for me. Even though it hurts so much to hope.

I will be whatever you need me to be.

Because I am and always be your person.

ZONE OUT

Akala mo naman ikaw lang ang magaling magzone out ha.

Sige, magpapakabingi ako sa sounds ko sa office para ma-zone out rin kita.

Ugh.

Please resign..

I was hot and bothered today....in short, fertile.

You were working and I passed you by. I was sure you did not notice but my body responded. It yearned for you. My mind was doing its best to block thoughts of you....but my body remembered.

It saddens me really...that my body still remembers you when you are near.

I dread going to work now and I just wish to never see you again. Not seeing you means I can continue moving on and not getting stuck on wanting to know what's up with you. Not seeing you means I get to focus on work without feeling the need to ignore you or get hurt by your coldness.

Please resign, Person.. You're making it so hard for me to let go.

I do not want to see you again and be reminded of what could have been...of what I have lost.

Please leave.

Please go...because you did not choose me and my heart is broken still.

Please resign....so I can choose myself again and again and feel whole at last.

DAY 18

I started believing I could get over you....so here I am doing just that.

It is still hard to block thoughts about you. My mind still plays tricks on me and sometimes it is difficult to control the flashbacks...but slowly but surely I am becoming effective in blocking them.

That does not mean that I am happy now. I am still down most of the time...but I am not as depressed as before.

I am finally moving on with my life...a life with you as just a friend...actually more of an officemate that I say hi and bid goodbye to six days of the week.

It still upsets me a bit to see you texting all the time and ignoring me...but I will get used to it and desensitize myself eventually.

I gave in to seeing you today...thinking you will notice me. Sad to say you did not. You just answered my questions briefly and were so preoccupied with your phone.

You said you would be meeting your first girlfriend...and I do not know why I seemed more upset that you were texting your second. My hurt ego perhaps? Because you chose her instead of me...

I am proud of myself though...I could handle it. Saddening but I am moving on now.

Because you are not giving me a reason not to.

DAY 9

Today was just another day for moving on.

Doing the things that brought meaning to my life last year.

I had another event to attend...the first for this year.

I was glad to see you at work today....even though it hurt that you did not even look sorry when I asked why did not reply to my message yesterday. Yes, you apologized...but you did not even realize that it hurt me that you ignored it.

I invited you and you said you would come visit if "there is time" which we know you will not have. As if you have time for me at all these days.

I put my arms around you again...even held your hand. You said it was too scary since anyone would see us anytime.

You said good luck and I just smiled while walking away. I smiled because it was something anybody would have said...but it was nice coming from you.

I wanted to stay there beside you even though I had somewhere else I need to be. I just wished I could tell you it was hard for me to walk away...even though you did not care.

You have no idea how your touch...your empty words...gave me a lift today. It made me smile inside even though I knew it was not enough. Because we are just friends now...even though you do not fail to make me feel so unimportant each passing day.

How did it come to this?

Should I lose hope now?

DAY 8

I slipped today. I was PMS-ing and I missed you terribly.

I sent a text message asking if you were okay since you did not go to work today.

You did not even bother to reply. I guess I was not surprised but it still hurt.

Waiting in vain for your response...thinking you were with your second girlfriend....wishing I did not succumb to my yearning and just left you alone.

It made me realize that it was really over....that you are moving on with your choice and that I should move on with my life too.

I am here lying in bed thinking of you but the world just keeps on spinning.

Life goes on...

So thank you for not replying. It was another wake up call.

Thank you for not choosing me again...for I remembered to choose myself yet again.

DAY 7

Here I am next to you...blogging about you.

Faking it. Desensitizing. Detaching.

I can do it after all.

Here's to better days...soon.

Thank you..

Thank you for not choosing me..

For in rejecting me...I learned to choose myself.

I am choosing myself. No matter what.

DAY 6

Me: Hello! :)
Him: Hello...tagal mo nawala ah..
Me: Musta ka na?
Him: Ok naman...


Me: Parang umitim ka..
Him: Nagbeach ako diba?
Me: Saan?
Him: Yung sa Pangasinan..
Me: Ahh...oo nga pala..

Me: Kelan na tayo iinom?
Him: Next week na...daming pinapagawa ni Sir Chris eh..

Me: Akyat nako..
Him: Pa-massage ka?
Me: Yep..kelan na tayo iinom? *some arm pinching*
Him: Next week na...daming ginagawa eh.

--

So these are basically our conversations at Day 6.

As if nothing happened. As if.

All my energy was used to to not think about what happened between us.

It was so hard. I felt I would go crazy.

Texting my dear friend and listening to youtube videos helped me through the day.

It was five and a half hours mind you.

It felt good. Even though it hurt.

DAY 5

I was so weak today.

I could not face you....I could not even get out of the bed.

My anger is spent...and I miss you.

I wanted to see you and smile at you....and pretend that everything is okay.

But I also want to sleep the pain away. I want to sleep and feel nothing but I know waking up makes me miserable again.

I want to talk to you like and wash away our complications and fears with alcohol just like we used to.

I miss you as my person. I do not know how things can change so fast....how I ended up losing you to her.

Tomorrow is another day, I suppose.

I promised myself I would finally face you knowing what I know about you now.

Please be gentle to me. 

I will feel your uneasiness again...see how you will call your girlfriend...witness how you will repeatedly text your other girlfriend. I hope to never hear your excuses for I am tired of them. I dare not ask any questions that will leave me hoping again.

Please smile back when you catch my eye and see me smile. Smile back and not know that I am hurting inside. Smile back and have no idea how I am aching for you still.

I need to be stronger tomorrow. For tomorrow is another day for moving on...

WE HURT ALONE

I mourn you
With tears and pain and wonder
With loneliness and rage
Suckling your betrayal upon my breasts
Until my heart is whole again

I mourn you
In my frosty dreams
Where the wind rips at my clothes,
Tears the flesh from my bones,
And puts me back together piece by piece

I mourn you with questions
How could you? Why did you?
How, why?
And try to find answers
when there are none
And my heart is weak and aching.

I mourn you
Sitting in darkness without me by your side
Wrapping my body around you
To keep at bay all that may hurt you

But we hurt alone
Backs turned against each other
Me disappearing into the darkness where you threw me

Soon I will fade away
But I miss you
As if death has taken you from me

- Candz from July 19, 2007

DAY 4

I was a coward today.

I could not face you.

The elevator opened on the second floor when I was about to go down the building and my heart was pounding so loudly. I felt traumatized.

I am mad at you one minute then missing you the next..

I am amazed at how little you cared about me. Four days without seeing or hearing from me and you do not even check up if I was okay.

What a "person"....I deserve better than this.

You do not even think about me, do you? Of course not.

Are you too caught up with your sordid secret love affair that you already forgot about me? I'm sure.

I want to not see you again. I want you to resign. I want you out of my life.

Because you did not choose me.



----
You did not choose me......nobody does.
~ Mellie, Scandal

Forgive...But.

I forgive,
but I also learn a lesson.

I won't hate you, but I'll never get
close enough for you to
hurt me again.

I can't let my forgiveness
become foolishness.

~ Tony Gaskins

DAY 3

This day was spent trying to get things back to what they once were.

Going to the movies with my parents and sister....eating popcorn...eating dinner after.

I had flashing memories of the first and last time we went to the movies...where we bought food...the route we took...how we held hands after....our first kiss.

Tell me it gets easier, my person?

I dread seeing you again tomorrow after learning about your betrayal.

It hurts knowing that you don't think of me now as much as I think of you still. It hurts that you don't even care how I am doing. It hurts that you don't miss me as much as I miss you...

How I miss how you were with me before you chose her..

I wish we could just fast forward to the day that I am over you and we are finally "just" friends.

Will it ever get easier? Seeing you everyday....knowing you don't love me? Being close to you and knowing that our time will never come? Sitting next to you and not remembering how close we were those few weeks that you finally noticed me?

I am hurting now.

Please make it easier on me..

STUCK IN A MOMENT

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

DAY 2

Today is harder for me.

It is harder because the anger has stopped...and I am left with questions.

Why wasn't it me?

Why did you not choose me?

What did I do wrong?

I long to ask you these but I know I will only ask questions I know the answers to.

I only missed you today. As if I will never see you again.

I do not want to see you anymore...knowing what I know about you now. Knowing you love her instead of me.

I want to stay mad at you...but it's hard. You were my friend and confidant...and you set my heart and body on fire once again.

When will it be me? Will it ever be me? Will it ever be our time?

My heart is tired and aching...as if death has taken you from me.

You were my person...but you will never know how much it is hurting me. You are too caught up with your emotions of her. It should have been me. It could still be me. I do not want to hope...but I am still hoping.

Lord, please help me stop hoping.

My kids need me. I need me.

I really thought you found me when I felt so lost...but you left me so suddenly.

Why, my person? Why?

I miss you so.

Day 2 is harder indeed. Here's wishing for easier days ahead...

Sayuri on Grief

It is helpful to discover and read my blogs from a long time ago. It takes me back to me...the me I was before life as a mother began..

This is what I make of grief...I hope this grief I am in right now will pass soon..that one day the window will stay closed.

Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.

~ Memoirs of a Geisha

DAY 1

Here I am again...10 years later.

Still hopeless. Still hurting. Still cheated on.

I woke up after 9 years and had my heart broken yet again.

Will the ending ever change? Is Mr. Right ever really out there?

I'm alone. And tired. And lonely.

I miss you, even if you are thinking of her...even if she is the one you love and not me.

I miss you.

Day 1 it is.