Should I give up?

"Chasing Pavements"

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love

But if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus:]
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it
[Chorus:]
Or should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements?
Should I just keep on chasin' pavements?
Ohh oh

[Chorus:]
should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Either...Or

After each tick of the clock...

After every sunrise...and sunset.

After each rise and fall of the tides..

I will eventually....painstakingly fall out of love with you.

Or

You will finally fall in love with me.

What will be first?

When will it happen?

This too shall pass, right?

I am in agony.

But I miss you..

Stop please..

I can't take it anymore.

I need to stop.

I can't pretend any longer.

I need to walk away.

It's not my story...no matter how badly I want to be in it...

No matter how badly I want to be part of your life...not just your person...but the person you love.

How can that be when you are still stuck on her?

Still aching to give her a chance even though she hurt you countless times?

This is a dead-end.

When will I be able to move on from this?

I need to really...finally let go.

Note to Self

DO. NOT. ASK. QUESTIONS. THAT. WILL. HURT. ME.

Why do I ask questions when I know the answers will just hurt me?

STOP.

PLEASE STOP.

I'M DONE.

I'm done.

I surrender.

Hearing "I love you as a friend" over and over is taking a toll on my heart.

Fine. You cannot love me as much as you love her even if I try so hard for you to see me...notice me.

I know you need to heal...but I need to heal too..from having my heart broken by you.

Excuses are just excuses. You are just not willing to fight for me.

You are not choosing me....maybe you never will.

So I am done...not done hoping....I can never fight hope.

But done anticipating what might or could have been.

It's painful but it must be done.

Someday I will finally move on and just see you as a friend...or someday you will change your mind.

I'm tired of fighting to hold on...anxious to fight to let go.

So I am done for now.

Let the universe do its work...

DAY 2

It has been 2 days since I last heard from you. I know you probably saw my letter by now and decided not to respond or even see how I have been.

What happened to you?

You have turned into this cold, distant and self-centered person once again.

Adulting is so boring...and so painful.

I wish I could just turn off my feelings for you.

I'm done.

You know nothing, Kiko..

You have no idea that I was looking for closure last night...

That I got the closure I was dreading because of your actions and your words.

I cannot understand why you are still choosing her...and why I still am not an option.

Why are you so blind?

Can't you see I'm the one in the middle? I'm the best of both worlds.

You know nothing of what I feel about you...all you know is I am conflicted like you.

You think I am with you because of what I tell you my problems are?

Don't you see that I choose to be with you because I like being with you? Even though it means constantly being rejected by you?

You do not know that I cry...and I lie...just to be with you?

I go out of my comfort zone so I can spend time with you.

Drink with you...smoke with you...go on food trips with you...

Last night was the night I finally accepted that you can never be mine...that your feelings for me will not change.

I am grateful for the distance we now have even though it will only last for a few days. It will give me the courage...and the strength...to finally let go of you...to stop holding on to romantic thoughts of a future with you.

You are too weak for me...when I am weak because of you.

I am hurting....when you are hurting because of someone else.

You know nothing, Kiko. Someday I hope you will see.

For now I will walk away....because you do not give me a reason to stay.

About Acceptance

Trying to accept what I have been in denial about for so long makes me so depressed that I cannot get out of bed during the day.

Trying to accept that you do not see me as anything more keeps me up at night and makes me cry myself to sleep.

Trying to accept that you are not willing to fight for what we could have been makes me so lonely and alone.

What have I done to my life?

Why am I destroying it for you?

Why make the effort when you only see me as a close friend?

Do I even love you?

Or am I just challenged with the idea of you?

For almost three years, we have been together at work and I really thought we have finally "found" each other. That it was about time.

Why can't you forget her when you see me every day?

Am I not good enough for you? Too ugly?

Trying to accept that I have no control over things is so hard to do.

Especially since it ends with me not getting you.

IT'S TIME

It's time I open my eyes...time to accept what is real and what is not...

It's time I come to terms with how I feel about you and what you feel about me...

It's time I resign myself to the fact that I am not one of your choices..that I will never be an option.

It's time I shift my attention to what really matters...to what needs to be done.

It's time I forget about romantic notions of you and me together..

It's time to just be your person.

It's time to let you go.

OUT OF REACH

In my reach...I could see..

There's a life out there for me...

POST ONE-WEEK REHAB

For one week, I chose myself.

I was nobody else's mother...nobody else's wife...

Just one of three daughters who was excited to roam the streets of Singapore.

I spent time alone for one night in a hotel and was asleep by 9:30pm which never happens.

My social life became alive again.

My mind was clear...happy...at peace.

You messaged on DAY 1 saying have a safe trip which really took me by surprise. It was such a sweet message and I got the feeling that you would really miss me..

You sent a Viber text on DAY 2 saying you were so taken aback by the relief goods I sent which I think you really appreciated.

On DAY 4, I couldn't resist it any longer so I sent you a text...you were surprised and happy to hear from me but then you proceeded to tell me all about your crazy girl's most recent antics. That was a frustrating day since I just spent it at the hotel resting.

On DAY 5, you sent me a drunk Viber message saying you missed me because you were in a bar with an imaginary person watching our friend Papa Bong. It was a first time we chatted (since you replied promptly for a change even though you were already wasted)..and it made me feel good even though you said you were with crazy chick before.

On the last and 6th day, I received a Viber message from you wishing me a safe trip back and that Smirnoff bottles were waiting for me in the office. Were you waiting for me too? You admitted it when I finally came back...you were drunk (again) and hugged me tight before I left.

You came to my rescue on the 7th day...you were a shoulder to cry on...

We spent time together...we hugged...we kissed...we did things that we shouldn't have done but I realized how much you missed me. That even your friends missed me.

Why isn't it enough for me?

Why do I still feel that I want more?

Why are you not choosing me still?

We are just persons you say....FOR NOW.

You love me...as a friend...that's what you keep telling me.

I smile and laugh each time but it hurts me that you only feel that way towards me.

Maybe it's time I stay away. Maybe I should continue this rehab. Maybe it's time I finally let go of any hope that we will be more someday....that you will eventually realize that I am the right choice for you.

Because when I am with you...I still cannot reach you and I feel so alone.

Why can't you save me? Why can't you catch me?

I'm drowning and you have no idea that it's because of you.

REHAB DAY 1

For six straight days, we spent time together...

Not because you wanted to but because I made it happen.

We drank...we smoked..

We went to my happy place in UP..

We went to see your favorite band..

We met up with your friends (they were so welcoming and accommodating)...

We talked. A lot.

And now I feel so friend zoned. :(

It's not a place I really want to be in but it's your call, right?

Do we even have a chance now?

Why are you so caught up with these two girls that you cannot see what is in front of you?

Why are you so blind?

So now I am on Day 1 of rehab.

I need to choose myself again...

Seeing that you are not choosing me still..

- written April 23, 2017 in Singapore