ZONE OUT

Akala mo naman ikaw lang ang magaling magzone out ha.

Sige, magpapakabingi ako sa sounds ko sa office para ma-zone out rin kita.

Ugh.

Please resign..

I was hot and bothered today....in short, fertile.

You were working and I passed you by. I was sure you did not notice but my body responded. It yearned for you. My mind was doing its best to block thoughts of you....but my body remembered.

It saddens me really...that my body still remembers you when you are near.

I dread going to work now and I just wish to never see you again. Not seeing you means I can continue moving on and not getting stuck on wanting to know what's up with you. Not seeing you means I get to focus on work without feeling the need to ignore you or get hurt by your coldness.

Please resign, Person.. You're making it so hard for me to let go.

I do not want to see you again and be reminded of what could have been...of what I have lost.

Please leave.

Please go...because you did not choose me and my heart is broken still.

Please resign....so I can choose myself again and again and feel whole at last.

DAY 18

I started believing I could get over you....so here I am doing just that.

It is still hard to block thoughts about you. My mind still plays tricks on me and sometimes it is difficult to control the flashbacks...but slowly but surely I am becoming effective in blocking them.

That does not mean that I am happy now. I am still down most of the time...but I am not as depressed as before.

I am finally moving on with my life...a life with you as just a friend...actually more of an officemate that I say hi and bid goodbye to six days of the week.

It still upsets me a bit to see you texting all the time and ignoring me...but I will get used to it and desensitize myself eventually.

I gave in to seeing you today...thinking you will notice me. Sad to say you did not. You just answered my questions briefly and were so preoccupied with your phone.

You said you would be meeting your first girlfriend...and I do not know why I seemed more upset that you were texting your second. My hurt ego perhaps? Because you chose her instead of me...

I am proud of myself though...I could handle it. Saddening but I am moving on now.

Because you are not giving me a reason not to.

DAY 9

Today was just another day for moving on.

Doing the things that brought meaning to my life last year.

I had another event to attend...the first for this year.

I was glad to see you at work today....even though it hurt that you did not even look sorry when I asked why did not reply to my message yesterday. Yes, you apologized...but you did not even realize that it hurt me that you ignored it.

I invited you and you said you would come visit if "there is time" which we know you will not have. As if you have time for me at all these days.

I put my arms around you again...even held your hand. You said it was too scary since anyone would see us anytime.

You said good luck and I just smiled while walking away. I smiled because it was something anybody would have said...but it was nice coming from you.

I wanted to stay there beside you even though I had somewhere else I need to be. I just wished I could tell you it was hard for me to walk away...even though you did not care.

You have no idea how your touch...your empty words...gave me a lift today. It made me smile inside even though I knew it was not enough. Because we are just friends now...even though you do not fail to make me feel so unimportant each passing day.

How did it come to this?

Should I lose hope now?

DAY 8

I slipped today. I was PMS-ing and I missed you terribly.

I sent a text message asking if you were okay since you did not go to work today.

You did not even bother to reply. I guess I was not surprised but it still hurt.

Waiting in vain for your response...thinking you were with your second girlfriend....wishing I did not succumb to my yearning and just left you alone.

It made me realize that it was really over....that you are moving on with your choice and that I should move on with my life too.

I am here lying in bed thinking of you but the world just keeps on spinning.

Life goes on...

So thank you for not replying. It was another wake up call.

Thank you for not choosing me again...for I remembered to choose myself yet again.

DAY 7

Here I am next to you...blogging about you.

Faking it. Desensitizing. Detaching.

I can do it after all.

Here's to better days...soon.

Thank you..

Thank you for not choosing me..

For in rejecting me...I learned to choose myself.

I am choosing myself. No matter what.

DAY 6

Me: Hello! :)
Him: Hello...tagal mo nawala ah..
Me: Musta ka na?
Him: Ok naman...


Me: Parang umitim ka..
Him: Nagbeach ako diba?
Me: Saan?
Him: Yung sa Pangasinan..
Me: Ahh...oo nga pala..

Me: Kelan na tayo iinom?
Him: Next week na...daming pinapagawa ni Sir Chris eh..

Me: Akyat nako..
Him: Pa-massage ka?
Me: Yep..kelan na tayo iinom? *some arm pinching*
Him: Next week na...daming ginagawa eh.

--

So these are basically our conversations at Day 6.

As if nothing happened. As if.

All my energy was used to to not think about what happened between us.

It was so hard. I felt I would go crazy.

Texting my dear friend and listening to youtube videos helped me through the day.

It was five and a half hours mind you.

It felt good. Even though it hurt.

DAY 5

I was so weak today.

I could not face you....I could not even get out of the bed.

My anger is spent...and I miss you.

I wanted to see you and smile at you....and pretend that everything is okay.

But I also want to sleep the pain away. I want to sleep and feel nothing but I know waking up makes me miserable again.

I want to talk to you like and wash away our complications and fears with alcohol just like we used to.

I miss you as my person. I do not know how things can change so fast....how I ended up losing you to her.

Tomorrow is another day, I suppose.

I promised myself I would finally face you knowing what I know about you now.

Please be gentle to me. 

I will feel your uneasiness again...see how you will call your girlfriend...witness how you will repeatedly text your other girlfriend. I hope to never hear your excuses for I am tired of them. I dare not ask any questions that will leave me hoping again.

Please smile back when you catch my eye and see me smile. Smile back and not know that I am hurting inside. Smile back and have no idea how I am aching for you still.

I need to be stronger tomorrow. For tomorrow is another day for moving on...

WE HURT ALONE

I mourn you
With tears and pain and wonder
With loneliness and rage
Suckling your betrayal upon my breasts
Until my heart is whole again

I mourn you
In my frosty dreams
Where the wind rips at my clothes,
Tears the flesh from my bones,
And puts me back together piece by piece

I mourn you with questions
How could you? Why did you?
How, why?
And try to find answers
when there are none
And my heart is weak and aching.

I mourn you
Sitting in darkness without me by your side
Wrapping my body around you
To keep at bay all that may hurt you

But we hurt alone
Backs turned against each other
Me disappearing into the darkness where you threw me

Soon I will fade away
But I miss you
As if death has taken you from me

- Candz from July 19, 2007

DAY 4

I was a coward today.

I could not face you.

The elevator opened on the second floor when I was about to go down the building and my heart was pounding so loudly. I felt traumatized.

I am mad at you one minute then missing you the next..

I am amazed at how little you cared about me. Four days without seeing or hearing from me and you do not even check up if I was okay.

What a "person"....I deserve better than this.

You do not even think about me, do you? Of course not.

Are you too caught up with your sordid secret love affair that you already forgot about me? I'm sure.

I want to not see you again. I want you to resign. I want you out of my life.

Because you did not choose me.



----
You did not choose me......nobody does.
~ Mellie, Scandal

Forgive...But.

I forgive,
but I also learn a lesson.

I won't hate you, but I'll never get
close enough for you to
hurt me again.

I can't let my forgiveness
become foolishness.

~ Tony Gaskins

DAY 3

This day was spent trying to get things back to what they once were.

Going to the movies with my parents and sister....eating popcorn...eating dinner after.

I had flashing memories of the first and last time we went to the movies...where we bought food...the route we took...how we held hands after....our first kiss.

Tell me it gets easier, my person?

I dread seeing you again tomorrow after learning about your betrayal.

It hurts knowing that you don't think of me now as much as I think of you still. It hurts that you don't even care how I am doing. It hurts that you don't miss me as much as I miss you...

How I miss how you were with me before you chose her..

I wish we could just fast forward to the day that I am over you and we are finally "just" friends.

Will it ever get easier? Seeing you everyday....knowing you don't love me? Being close to you and knowing that our time will never come? Sitting next to you and not remembering how close we were those few weeks that you finally noticed me?

I am hurting now.

Please make it easier on me..

STUCK IN A MOMENT

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

DAY 2

Today is harder for me.

It is harder because the anger has stopped...and I am left with questions.

Why wasn't it me?

Why did you not choose me?

What did I do wrong?

I long to ask you these but I know I will only ask questions I know the answers to.

I only missed you today. As if I will never see you again.

I do not want to see you anymore...knowing what I know about you now. Knowing you love her instead of me.

I want to stay mad at you...but it's hard. You were my friend and confidant...and you set my heart and body on fire once again.

When will it be me? Will it ever be me? Will it ever be our time?

My heart is tired and aching...as if death has taken you from me.

You were my person...but you will never know how much it is hurting me. You are too caught up with your emotions of her. It should have been me. It could still be me. I do not want to hope...but I am still hoping.

Lord, please help me stop hoping.

My kids need me. I need me.

I really thought you found me when I felt so lost...but you left me so suddenly.

Why, my person? Why?

I miss you so.

Day 2 is harder indeed. Here's wishing for easier days ahead...

Sayuri on Grief

It is helpful to discover and read my blogs from a long time ago. It takes me back to me...the me I was before life as a mother began..

This is what I make of grief...I hope this grief I am in right now will pass soon..that one day the window will stay closed.

Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.

~ Memoirs of a Geisha

DAY 1

Here I am again...10 years later.

Still hopeless. Still hurting. Still cheated on.

I woke up after 9 years and had my heart broken yet again.

Will the ending ever change? Is Mr. Right ever really out there?

I'm alone. And tired. And lonely.

I miss you, even if you are thinking of her...even if she is the one you love and not me.

I miss you.

Day 1 it is.