LOG 1

Starting a relationship log because I finally decided to break my addiction of you.

You went to the office today but did not forget to remind me that you would not be there if you did not have to get something. I felt so rejected with that excuse. I said I wanted to drink rum cola so you proceeded to mix one for us. I have been noticing lately that you do not really drink...your excuse is that you want to think clearly while working.

I asked you to text me if I can come over after your basketball session with the boys. You said you would text but you did not. Probably because your ex was there and you really did not want me to join. It was disappointing although I kind of expected it..

Where was my chance?

You never gave me a chance.

All you think about about when you see me are excuses not to be with me.

Reasons...rationalizations.

Just need to face the harsh reality that you do not love me...not enough to fight for me.

Nothing has changed..

I don't deserve this treatment.

But I still hope.

And I hurt.

Hoping and hurting each day.

Longing.

Waiting.

When will I be free of you?

Longing.

Tonight I realized how much I love you.

And I wept.

I wanted to be with you so badly but I know you still need time to heal.

I don't ever want to be just a rebound girl.

I need to be your forever person.

So I cried and loved you in the silence of my mind and my heart.

I realized the lengths I would go to just to make you happy. Even if that means letting you go.

- Candz,July 22, 2017

What does it mean?

It was so unexpected...and so surprising...

But it was something I was longing for all this time.

You coming to me on your own...without me asking you too.

I will never forget that moment...when you said that you would be with me.

I waited with bated breath as you came closer....and closer.

Finally, you were kissing me...and touching me...and making me want more.

In the morning, without the drunken fervor we felt a few hours ago....we were one again.

What does it mean?

This time...you are not pulling away and I am filled with hope and wonder..

It means something to me..

Does it with you?

Pathetic.

It's almost 2:30am and I am eating chips and googling about how to let go of someone who doesn't love me.

I mean how pathetic is that?

Isn't it easy to forget someone who doesn't love me that way?

Am I so unloveable?

So depressed.

And so very lonely.

I QUIT YOU.

It's the start of June and I have decided to start quitting you.

I just wish I knew how to just magically quit you to lessen the pain and longing.

I have given up on trying to win you with my friendship.

It finally sunk in that I was just being used as a source of comfort and distraction...that you will not one day finally really see me and discover that you have fallen in love with me and will do anything to be with me.

No matter how much fun we have or how close we become or how many deep dark secrets we share with each other....you will always end up choosing one of them. I will just be the "forever" person (a.k.a. friend) who you love (as a friend...always just as a friend).

I seriously do not know how I have lasted this long pining over you...knowing that you are in love with two other girls. Is it because we have been together in one office for 3 years even though 2 years of those were spent not talking to each other?

Maybe my subconscious has been so used to being beside you all these years that it became deeply attached to you...even before we became close.

I longed for you for so long but it has to end.

You are just my friend...my officemate...my platonic "person".

My drinking buddy..my yosi buddy..

In all honesty, it really hurts to write all of this...knowing deep down that it is the truth...knowing I cannot do anything to change the situation or your feelings for me.

I just hope I can get over you eventually (sooner I hope) so I can move on with my life.

So today, I quit you.

Today, I quit the hope of us...the potential of forever...the maybes of two persons falling in love after years spent as strangers.

Today...I quit on loving you.